I'm Still Here
by Little Laughssassin
Summary: Edd felt as if he wasn't even there anymore; he felt invisible to everyone he cared for and he wished he could remember why, but he just couldn't think of what he did that might've offended people. Finally he gets the resolve to confront the nearest person, Kevin, but the answers he gets was not exactly welcomed, nor expected. Sad KevEdd oneshot


_**A.N:**_ I was having some angsty KevEdd feels so I felt inspired to write this onseshot :') (i guess also as a destresser cuz I have 2 midterms tomorrow...heh...)

Enjoy and sorry for the feels!

tumblr: little - laughssassin . tumblr . com

* * *

_**I'm Still Here**_

'_I feel invisible to you._

_Even during our childhood you would pay more attention to me than you do now that we are seniors. I feel like such a fool for even trying anymore, like I've been doing for the entirety of the past year' _

Edd looked out the window of his silent, comfy room, and outside he could see a certain redhead working on his new, shiny motorcycle; it was a beautiful candy-red color with black, leather upholstering. It was the middle of summer, and the sun was blaring down upon the quaint cul-de-sac, so naturally, Kevin was outside with some flip-flops – which Edd mentally reprimanded him for considering he was working with tools that could potentially fall and hurt him – cargo shorts, and a green tank-top; the ravenet couldn't help but notice the bulging of the other's muscles on his back or on his arms whenever he moved into a new position as he tinkered away in the hot, August day.

Suddenly, the redhead turned his attention to Edd's window, making the sockhead squeak in surprise and quickly jump to the side where the wall would hide his blushing face. '_Curses!...Did he…did he see me?'_

Slowly and cautiously, Edd peeked his head from the wall so he could look out the window again, and to his (somewhat disappointing) relief, Kevin had looked away and was back on focusing on his beloved bike. Edd bit his lower lip and sighed through his nose, he felt ridiculous at the though of him getting jealous over a simple inanimate object, although sometimes he felt like it was actually quite rational… Even Nazz wouldn't get the same attention as that machine, and she was his best friend since he could remember. Kevin used to like her a great deal back when they were children, everyone knew – except for Nazz…somehow – but even then, sometimes she'd come second to his old bike. '_Men and they're toys…'_ but then Edd laughed to himself, when he looked back into his room and saw all the science kits and specimens and such, that decorated his room and made it seem like it was partially a lab.

Edd walked slowly towards his desk where a decent-sized microscope laid dead center with some notes to the side; he gently ghosted his fingers over it and smiled. These were indeed his "toys" just like the bike was Kevin's; this was his happiness, his muse, his sense of purpose… He loved science oh so dearly; the encouragement of curiosity, the experiments, and the discussions one could have, everything about it attracted the young man, and it was his dream to someday invent things that could revolutionize the scientific and medicinal world.

His parents' famous sticky notes were posted here and there on his room but where Edd expected lists of chores he'd only find: "Be a good boy.", "We love you.", "Don't worry.", and so on.  
The notes saying "we love you." were the most common - Edd had counted 5 so far - "How can you possibly tell me not to worry when I feel like I did something terribly wrong?... and here you are, _writing_ that you love me and yet I see you even _less_ than before..."

He looked back to his bed and his gaze fell upon the few picture frames he had on top of his night table. Him and his parents when he was still a baby, being held tightly against his mother while his father stood behind her with a hand on her shoulder, and everyone was smiling. A family. Another one was of him and his 2 best friends when they graduated elementary school, wearing more formal clothes, which both Ed and Eddy hated, yet for Edd, it made him feel more mature and grown-up, so, he liked them. His friends were his everything along with his family. And finally, the very last picture had been taken last Christmas by Nazz's mother, who was a professional photographer, of all the kids of the cul-de-sac together; Johnny had grown up a lot, and now wore dreadlocks on his once bald head, Jimmy's braces were gone and his baby face was changing with the years – he had made the school's badminton team if Edd wasn't mistaken, along with fashion club and yearbook club with Sarah – speaking of, Sarah had let her ginger hair grow down and nearly to her hips, and was now a beautiful young lady…although she still had the stubborn, fiery personality to match her hair. Nazz was still the angel of the cul-de-sac and smiled brightly at the camera – Edd remembered the days when nearly every boy of the cul-de-sac, including him, were rather infatuated with her – Rolf stood tall and proud next to her with Victor the goat tucked under his arm – he and Ed were the tallest of the bunch – Ed and Eddy stood next to Edd and made goofy faces at the camera. '_Some things never change' _Edd thought with affection; even Eddy had grown a few inches taller, now at around 5'5", the same size as Sarah, making the 2 of them the shortest of the bunch, while Ed and Rolf towered over them at 6'1". Finally, Edd found himself awkwardly standing next to Kevin; the boy didn't bully him anymore and had calmed down quite a lot, even being friendly towards Double D at times – especially after what happened with Eddy's brother – but Edd couldn't help but still feel a little nervous around the handsome jock.

Who would've guessed that his nerves were for an entirely different reason than fear. It was shortly after new years when the sockhead began to realize his true feelings towards the jock, and unfortunately, that self-realization just made everything go downhill for him. He became so self-aware around the other male, he would sometimes even stutter, trip on his words, or even ramble on and on – things he hadn't done for a couple of years now, growing out of most of his little habits. But Kevin would only smile, or even laugh, but not to make fun of him, just genuinely amused by the little dork.

* * *

"_You're such a dork, you know that?" Kevin laughed as they walked back home together from another long day in school; Edd had started going on about Physics and all of a sudden there was no stopping the boy._

_Edd blushed softly and looked down, "P-pardon me Kevin…I suppose I just got a little excited there…"_

"_Don't sweat it" He answered, giving the boy a reassuring squeeze on his shoulder. "It's what you love; I get the same way about my bike!" _

_Edd chuckled and nodded, "Yes, this is true…but also Kevin, must you keep referring to me in such a juvenile manner? I would've guessed by now we both would've outgrown this 'dork' phase."_

_Kevin shook his head and grinned at the boy, "Nope! You'll always be Double Dork to me."_

"You want it to be so?"

"_Well…yeah…" Kevin turned to look at Edd with a warm smile on his face that only served to melt Double D's heart. There was something in his eyes too, something warm in those forest green circles, that made his breath hitch too, but he wasn't sure if it was real or not, "I want you to always be my Double Dork." He blushed and looked away, avoiding all contact with Edd after that._

* * *

"When did everything change?..." He whispered to no one. And he didn't just mean "when did Kevin start to ignore me?" but also "when did my friends start to ignore me?, "when did _everyone _start to ignore me?!"

He just didn't understand and it frustrated him to no end! What had he done or said that suddenly people had just turned on him, even his 2 best friends in the world?

Whatever it was had lasted for about a month and a half now, and Edd wish somebody would just tell him what the hell happened. He paced around his room trying to remember as best he could, but every time the faintest of ideas or flashbacks came to him, so did a pounding headache. But Edd was determined to remember what he did wrong, so he tried to ignore the headache as he kept pacing.

Outside the house, and across the street, Kevin had finished working on his bike, but decided to just stay outside and sit on the steps to his front porch, partially covered by the shadow of the roof above him. His hands were sore from the tinkering and smudges of oil decorated his bare skin here and there on his hands and arms. His eyes were tired too, sore and underlined by the dark eye bags he had developed the past few days. He sighed, taking off his red baseball cap and running a finger through his copper hair, then brought it down to cover his face and just kept it there. He wanted to avoid all this light around him, because he definitely didn't feel it; he wanted the shadows, the darkness, and the solitude of his room, but his mother had told him to go outside for some fresh air. It wasn't the best idea his mother had had…between the hot sun, the sticky heat remedied only by the occasional breeze, and his lousy mood…he could've sworn he had even started to hallucinate at one point.

Suddenly he noticed everything go darker, as if a shadow were looming over him, so he removed his hands and looked up, only to realize that the shadow belonged to Nazz. She greeted him with a gentle smile and a pat on the head.

"Hey Kev, sup?"

"Not much, just finished messing with my bike; it needed a few upgrades, so, thought I'd get on it now seeing as I had nothing else to do…and that mom practically kicked me out of the house to force me into the sunlight." He said with a solemn chuckle.

Nazz nodded, "Well I agree with your mom. Kevin you can't just stay cooped up in your rom like that; you need sunlight, you need fresh air! Nat hasn't seen you at the basketball court in a while either."

"I don't feel like going out…"

The blonde sighed sadly, and sat down next to her friend on the steps, "I'm sad too Kev… but life goes on, and we have to go on with it."

The redhead stayed quiet, looking down to his shoes, "You don't understand…I-"

"Of course I understand Kevin…"

Kevin looked to his friend with sad eyes, anguished even; the pain inside him on the verge of consuming him and overflowing out of his eyes. This wasn't like him, this isolated, miserable, sad little thing wasn't him at all, and it frustrated him, but he couldn't help it...

"It's just…it was…I can't believe…" He couldn't even finish his thoughts, bringing his knees close, hugging them to his body and burying his face in them.

* * *

"Think Eddward, think! One minute you have friends and you have a family and all is well and the next it's as if you're not even there! What did you do?!" He sighed, irritated with himself and everything else. He looked out the window and decided that maybe what he needed was some fresh air; yes! Surely leaving the stuffy room would help clear his mind. He quickly went down the stairs and put on his sneakers, "My word these are filthy!...I'll have to clean them when I get back."

He went out the door and closed it behind him; turning on his heel to walk away into the sunlight, he noticed Kevin still outside, sitting on his front steps with Nazz by his side. A twitch of jealousy came to his heart even though he knew there was nothing between them. He remembered that awkward conversation with Kevin back in their junior year around Valentine's…

* * *

_Edd was walking towards his Biology class, not really paying attention to where he was going as he tried reciting parts of his lecture notes in his brain for a quiz he was supposed to take in class that day. Unfortunately, his distraction made him bump into another person, making him stumble and nearly fall from almost stepping over himself upon impact._

"_Hey, the hell, dork?"_

"_O-oh, Kevin, pardon me! I was distracted…"_

"_Mhm, I can see that…eh, it's fine. Just watch out next time ok? You nearly made me drop my brownies dude. That would've been beyond tragic!" He brought up his hands, which were holding on to a small Tupperware full of brownies, for emphasis._

_Edd chuckled, "Forgive me Kevin. No one deserves to have their brownies so carelessly murdered."_

"_Damn right!" The redhead laughed as well, "Nazz just gave 'em to me too, so I haven't even been able to eat one."_

"_Oh? A Valentines treat? Seems you two are making some progress…"_

"_A-Ah, Nonono, not like that!" Kevin's face became flushed and he cleared his throat, "they're just a friendly treat. From one friend to another. Buddy brownies!"_

_Edd once again laughed at the mention of "buddy brownies", "Oh, I see. A shame I suppose? I always thought you fancied Nazz even after all this time."_

"_Nah, I've been over her for a while… she's like my sister by now, y'know? I'm not interested in her." As he spoke the last words he made full eye contact with Edd, making the ravenet feel slightly flustered._

"_O-oh? W-well, in that case, enjoy your buddy brownies Kevin! I really must get to class now, I have a quiz!"_

"_Oh, sure."_

_Edd continued quickly, but before getting very far he heard Kevin call out to him. "Yes-agh!" A small piece of brownie was thrown at him, and luckily, Edd managed to clumsily catch it mid-air._

"_Good luck!" the redhead smiled before turning on his heel and leaving._

* * *

Edd smiled fondly at the memory, '_Kevin'_…

Suddenly a jolt of pain came to the side of his ribs, and he groaned, clutching onto his side with one hand, when another jolt of pain attacked his head instead, '_Good heavens what is this?!'_

Something felt wrong. Something felt horribly, horribly wrong. He was in pain, but something in him told him to walk towards the two bodies across the street; it's why he came outside anyway, for some answers, and surely, if he confronted them directly without giving them a chance to escape, they would tell him, or at least Nazz would.

He walked across the street, still feeling the pain shooting through his body, "Kevin, Nazz!" But neither answered. "Kevin!" Nothing, "Nazz!" They didn't even look at him. Edd was completely shocked and frankly he felt some indignation as well, this was ridiculous and he was going to demand some answers. He was about to yell at them again when Nazz stood up, saying her goodbyes to Kevin and running off in the direction of her house again, '_Really? Out of the two of you I thought Kevin would be the one to flee!" _

Edd turned to Kevin with furrowed eyebrows, ready for a confrontation, but his resolve quickly softened when he saw the sad look in Kevin's eyes. "Kevin…are you alright?" But he was only met with more silence, "Kevin, please, talk to me."

All he got was a sniffle and a soft whimper; Edd was growing worried now.

"Kevin…" He walked to the boy and gently reached out, placing a light hand on Kevin's arm.

"DAMNIT!"

Edd jumped back in surprise when Kevin yelled, "I-I'm so-" but his words were cut off by the realization that Kevin was now crying his eyes out, sobbing loudly with his head turned down and his hands clutching onto his short hair, digging his nails into his scalp.

"Kevin what's wrong?!" But it was then when it hit him, that now _he_ was crying too; and it was then when it hit him what had happened. Why everything changed.

It was a month and a half ago, school was done and the kids were pouring out of the doors of the school from every direction, escaping into the sweet release of Friday afternoon, and thus, the weekend. Ed and Eddy wanted to go to the arcade but Edd had denied because of all the homework he wanted to get done before he could finally relax, however, he promised them he would definitely accompany them the next day.

Eddy groaned but agreed, and the 3 friends separated for the day. Kevin was getting onto his bike on the parking lot, watching the smart Ed as he separated from his friends, he felt like he had been given a perfect opportunity to talk to the boy without worrying about the other two; he had been holding in his feelings for so long and he just couldn't do it anymore.

Edd of course, was completely oblivious to all of this, although he couldn't deny the weird vibes or glances he sometimes got from the redhead. He began walking home and put in his earbuds, careful not to turn on the music so loud that he could not here the traffic around him. He was standing at a crossing, about 2 blocks away from the cul-de-sac by now, and unbeknownst to him, Kevin was next to him on the road a few cars away. The light changed, and Edd took a step forward into the road.

A step into chaos.

The last thing he heard were tires screeching, people screaming, and his body colliding against the vehicle, and then sound it made when he crashed back onto the ground with a loud, limp _thunk._

The tears rushed to him, and now the pain made sense, now everything made sense, and he could remember everything. He fell on his knees in front of the weeping Kevin, covering his mouth as tears now ran down his cheeks and sobs tried to escape his mouth. The reason why everyone was ignoring him, the reason why he felt like no one could hear him or see him, the reason why he felt like he wasn't even there was because… because… he wasn't.

He wasn't _here_ anymore.

That day.

That accident.

He stopped being _here_ a month and a half ago.

"Edd." Edd's eyes shot up at the redhead at the mention of his name with a cracking voice. "You weren't supposed to be gone so soon buddy…You didn't…I never…I never even told you…how I felt for you…for so long…for so damn long… had I been closed…or had I told you sooner…and you could've been on the motorcycle with me or we could've walked home and maybe things would be different and you would be here. You'd be here with me. THIS ISN'T FAIR." He slammed a fist in the ground next to him, and Edd reached out, gently putting his hand on top of Kevin's and squeezing it, hoping that maybe, just maybe, even if Kevin couldn't see him or hear him anymore, he could perhaps still feel him, even a little bit.

Edd's heart ached and it felt like it would just implode; Kevin liked him, Kevin felt the same way he had for so long, and he should be happy, but how could he when he was unable to ever be with Kevin again? This really wasn't fair.

"Kevin…I'm so sorry…" Edd hiccupped, scooting closer in front of Kevin and scooping the crying boy's face in his hands. "I love you Kevin…I'm so, so sorry."

Both boys just wept and wept, letting it all go out of their system. They knew they had to come to terms with what had happened, for their own sakes and for each other's sakes.

"I love you dork…and I miss you."

Edd gave him a sad smile, and brought his forehead to Kevin's, "I'll be around Kevin…from time to time I'll be around…you'll be ok…" Edd said, as a tear escaped his eye, "we'll be ok."

Kevin felt a comforting coolness on his cheek, a welcome contrast to the hot day, and something about it felt right, and he felt like he didn't want it to go away. He looked in front of him, feeling like something was right in front of him, and he wanted to believe with everything he had in him, that his next words would be heard by someone, somehow, someway. He wanted this closure.

He sighed shakily, unconsciously leaning in the direction of the coolness, "But you'll always be my Double Dork... right?"

"Always, Kevin," Edd smiled, showing the gap in his front teeth, "you dork."


End file.
